Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
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How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.