@AndyShulk: Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
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@KeetPotato: me: [breaks long awkward silence] "so what do you do for a living?" taxi driver: [just looks at me]
@notalogin: What kind of doctor are you? -Apathologist A... pathologist? -No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don't care.
@robwhisman: [swipes debit card] *would you like cash back?* yes [gazes at photo in wallet of steve jobs johnny cash & bob hope, whispers] yes i would
@ceejoyner: OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I'm fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.