@AndyShulk: Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
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@TheTweetOfGod: Sounds like @rickygervais is an arachnophobe, and you know what that means: Deep down inside, he's a spider.
@ch000ch: me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i've got a date tonight. siri: "lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha."
@kimwilliamz: The worst thing about admitting you're an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.