@AndyShulk: Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
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@robfee: When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
@AHundredElbows: Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
@trentistweeting: [2 paintings talking] "hey man, guess what im doing this weekend?" please dont say it "JUST HANGING!" i wanna move to a different gallery
@dafloydsta: [trying to impress date] HER: I really want to have children. ME: [to waiter] Bring us your finest baby.