@AndyShulk: Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
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@girl_a_whirl: Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you? Me: Pete, purse! *Pete pees on Louis Vuitton Me: I'll take it for 50% off
@Beatonm5: He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
@Bob_Janke: I still say a wasp's nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody's hanging around in there.