Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
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Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
This made me chuckle.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.