@GeauxSaints79: Do cops tell bad guys to freeze in Alaska? Or is it just understood?
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@CulturedRuffian: Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train? Publicist: Let's call the guy who named the movie 'Snakes On A Plane'.
@amishschool: My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
@FatherWithTwins: 4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy? Me: After lunch 4yo: I want lunch right now. I'm starving!! Me: We just ate breakfast 4yo: Starving!
@platinum2000: *At the Carnival* Me: How much for the petting zoo? Person: What? *Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*