I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
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Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
asking santa clause for nudes
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”