Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
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meanwhile over on facebook
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
pat pat
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”