Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
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[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires