Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
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Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
vegan witches, happy halloween!
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order