Do furries go to doctors or vets?
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The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing