Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
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Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show