At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
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My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story