I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
You Might Also Like
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”