Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
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My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……