Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
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Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.