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*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?