@charliesgonenow: Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
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@Kennedydp5: I couldn't remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
@EmilyZDavis: I can't believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
@NateMorrising: For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
@mccoy_paul: While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they'd do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.