Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
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Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”