Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
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My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Not all heroes wear capes…
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]