Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
You Might Also Like
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
This kid will have a bright future.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do