I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
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When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry