Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
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can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!