Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
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This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”