You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
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[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Still laughing at this stupid meme
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.