“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
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List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
a fate I wish upon no one
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home