“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
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the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.