Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
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my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while