Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 馃檪
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Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
6-year-old: I鈥檓 laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke鈥檚 not funny though.
That stung.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
I don鈥檛 think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can鈥檛 stop dreaming about hiking
Otters drive ottermobiles.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don鈥檛 even measure when I cook.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
This is my pinned tweet
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer