Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
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My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
No way!
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Okay
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.