Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
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Möther may I have a snäck
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
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“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?