“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
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white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*