Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
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Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
12653.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums