Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
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my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
🤣🤣🤣🤣
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
“i miss shittin on people”
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?