I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
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COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
A new level of troll.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator