Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
You Might Also Like
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Pretty much. 🤣
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.