Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
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Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.