Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
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A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
I think this cat is broken
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
*3.5 thank you very much.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube