@weinerdog4life: Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
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@Dawn_M_: Remember, your neighbours aren't going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
@KenJennings: just said "Deep Homo" by accident instead of "Home Depot" & am tryingnto laugh it off oops they're watching me tweet now gotta go
@flashember: [Scientist describing evolution of the zebra] "We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time."
@michael_raphone: BOSS: I'm sorry mike, but you've been downsized ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan