@weinerdog4life: Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
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@squirrel74wkgn: [at grocery store] Son: Why is this peach fuzzy? Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
@GibJimson: If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist. That's probably where I'm selling it at.
@david8hughes: [interrogation] Cop: what were you doing last nite? Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert Cop: louder for the tape please Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy