*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
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Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Bros before Ohioes
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!