*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
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My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
If a snake ate a cake
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.