Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
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Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we鈥檙e a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Summer is the best because there鈥檚 always a chance I鈥檒l see someone trip on their own flip flop
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y鈥檃ll 馃檲
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
the song firestarter, but it鈥檚 about my cooking skills
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”