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[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
Dear Lord..
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
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Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.