Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
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Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.