MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
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I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Love this guy
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded