The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
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*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.