#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
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Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
If Kevin Bacon didn鈥檛 acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I鈥檒l be forever disappointed.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn鈥檛 even a wait when she鈥檚 playing doctor
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom鈥 year ago
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 馃槶馃槀
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint 鈥榚m like the hamburglar
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I鈥檓 okay, but I feel like I鈥檝e dyed a little inside.
Summer break is cool because I won鈥檛 be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won鈥檛 have to pack anyone a lunch.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?