“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
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My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.