Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
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I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Ah..makes sense now
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
😅😅😅
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her