Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
You Might Also Like
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Who does Amazon think I am?
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.