Do one person every day that scares you.
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Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.