Do one person every day that scares you.
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I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.