Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
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Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Expect the unexporcupine.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
I did not eat the cake…
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.