@Izianikapani: "Do people really become like their pets?" I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
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@SkinnerSteven: HIPSTER COP: *into radio* "We've got a 13-88 in progress...it's a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn't know it"
@wickedsuga: Nothing says "I love you" like my cat aggressively bathing herself immediately after I pet her.
@funnyordie: Happy Columbus Day! Celebrate by going to the wrong house after work then claiming it as your own.
@TheresNoGodzila: *gets on 1 knee* Me: I know we haven't known each other for a long time, but will you marry me? Her: Please get off my knee