“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
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*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.