@WilliamAder: Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with ".gov"?
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@junejuly12: Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid's school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
@mstluvstrinkets: On our way to husbands vasectomy he asks *do you think they'll want me to remove my socks?*. I don't know what he thinks is about to happen.
@rohmontgomery: I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who's gonna pay my bills? me? I didn't ask for this
@AndrewChamings: Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level. ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.